"Just a Mom"

In defense of being "just a mom"

by Janae Rusin

            I am officially banning the use of this phrase from my presence: just a mom. For those that knew me pretty much anytime before Neyla, you probably knew one of my worst fears was being just a mom. But now, I am taking care of Neyla as my full time job. What happened to me?

            I'm still getting used to my new occupation. When I met someone the other day, and they asked me what I did, I immediately replied, "Nothing." I felt like Hugh Grant in About a Boy. But in my case, that actually is not the right answer. I hang out with Neyla all day, and I make sure my little toddler doesn't kill herself. There's more to it, but that part is my biggest job, I would say. 

            I hate the lingo we use to describe full-time moms. We need to get a better PR team because they are all crap. Stay at home mom: what, I just sit at home all day? No that is not right. Full time mom: So if you work at a job with a paycheck, you are only a mom part time? That's not right either. People describe moms with a paycheck as work outside the home moms. Again, I work outside the home all the time. We also use working mom. I work, I promise you that!

            Recently our neighbor had a couch surfer come through and stay on our compound. He was in his mid-20s and was stopping through Majuro on his traveling world tour. When he was sitting next to me, my neighbor and fellow "no paycheck mom" (copyright Janae Rusin, 2013), he said, "It must be so amazing to just sit here, chill out all day, and do nothing!" I think that was the closest I've come to inciting physical violence in my life. For many, that is the perception. And please note, I include the younger, less wise version of myself.

            If you have never had to make the agonizing decision of staying at home with your children or getting a job, then you are not allowed to comment on being "just a mom." The funny part is, mostly women use this phrase on other women. C'mon ladies: aren't we truly liberated when we can make this decision for ourselves and for our family without criticizing one another? And it doesn't matter how smart you are. Really smart moms and educated moms are allowed to stay at home with their kids and should not feel like they are wasting their intelligence. This is why the phrase "just a mom" is so offensive to me. When people say it, they are implying that you are not fulfilling some duty to... God knows what...work at a corporation? We don't look down on teachers for teaching our children, why should we look down on moms for doing the same thing?

            It's not hard to see why being a full time mom is looked down upon. The pay sucks. The benefits are nonexistent. There's no such thing as a sick day and no days off. You pretty much deal with pee and poop for a good chunk of your day. It's not glamourous. Our capitalistic culture values money and prestige. None of which exists raising a kid. That's why I contend you cannot comment on this lifestyle choice until you've had kids.

            Hold your newborn in your arms the first day of their life, and then tell me it's easy to go back to work. Many women or men do not have the luxury of having a choice whether to go back to work or not. Many have to go to work for a paycheck to put food on the table. I know now what my younger self never realized: that I have the privilege of raising Neyla full time. I get more fulfillment and find more meaning out of one day of being "just a mom" than I ever did at my corporate job.

            I don't wish to make it sound like it's been any easy decision for me to stay with Neyla full time. It's been incredibly challenging and one I question almost on a daily basis. There's a good chance when I go back to the States I will get a paycheck job, mostly because I miss intellectual stimulation that Dora just can't give me. But if that happens, I will not regret one day of my time being a stay at home mom. And I will never again use the phrase to describe a no paycheck mom as "just a mom."

            

Only in Majuro...

Only in Majuro

            I was thinking the other day about how amazing life can be here in Majuro.  I started a list of things that I have done in the past month that I never would have been able to do if we still lived in Chicago or Colorado.  The list is actually surprisingly long.  Over the past month I saw a Whale Shark while fishing (the largest fish in the world), swam in a mile deep blue ocean, caroused in 5 foot waves in my “backyard,” worked out daily on the ocean shore, kayaked on the Pacific over beautiful coral, played in a significant regional basketball event and witnessed the Pacific Nations Forum.  It has been quite a month.

Whale Shark

This is "the" Whale Shark.  This picture was taken by one of the brave souls who jumped in.  

This was truly one of the most unique experiences of my life.  Anyone who knows me knows that I have never been fishing or eaten an orange.  I know, I know.  Anyways, I was able to check one of those off the list a few weeks ago.  I went fishing!  Seven teachers at Coop organized a daylong trip to go out on the open ocean and see what we could find.  As soon as we left the lagoon and entered the ocean the birds were going crazy, which is a great sign for fisherman.  We saw three whales immediately and towards the end of the day saw a few dolphins.  As the day was winding down we saw a swarm of birds out on the distant horizon and decided to go around for one more pass to see if we could find some Tuna.  As we approached the birds it quickly became clear that something “big” was happening out here.  It was a whale shark, the largest fish in the world.  He was swimming at the surface and had an uncountable number of fish swimming around him.  It was truly amazing to see a fish that was much bigger than the boat we were on and see him swim up to and right under the boat.  Several people on the boat decided this was a once in a lifetime opportunity to swim with a whale shark and jumped in.  I recorded them on video and was getting ready to jump in when my friend and colleague Alvin warned that there were also some oceanic white-tip sharks as well, which are one of the most dangerous sharks in the world, so I called an audible and stayed on the boat.  While I certainly wish I would have gotten in with the massive fish, just seeing it was a phenomenal experience.  

Swimming in Blue Ocean

During the middle of the fishing trip we anchored in mile deep water so our spear fishermen could see what they could find.  They didn’t catch any fish, but those of us on the boat did get out and swim around for nearly a half an hour in mile deep water.  We didn’t see any strange creature, but there were hundreds of tiny fish every color of the rainbow.  If you’ve never been swimming out in the ocean with no land or ocean floor around it is quite a surreal experience!

“Backyard” Swimming

A few weeks ago Janae and I went swimming with our close friends Dan and Rachelle in our “backyard.”  The tide was high and the water was about 5 foot deep with 4 to 5 foot waves.  It was quite amusing and so different to swim on a reef and not a beach.  It’s a great way to cool off after a workout or a hard fought basketball game in the Majuro sun. 

Daily Workouts on the Ocean

This one is sort of self explanatory, but it is the best gym in the world.  To watch the sunrise and get a workout in simultaneously is good for your body and soul.

Kayaking

Yesterday Janae and I were fortunate enough to be able to borrow our friends’ kayaks.  Robin and Bruce have some solid ocean kayaks and were kind enough to watch Neyla while we explored.  While we narrowly beat a torrential rainstorm, we were able to paddle the shore of Majuro and see beautiful coral and fish below.  It’s great exercise too.

Ralik-Ratak Basketball Invitational

The Lae team after our 1st game victory.  

My favorite thing about Majuro is the love of sport.  No matter what sport you’re playing or where, you’ll always draw a crowd.  But I am now playing in one of the biggest basketball events in the region.  I’m so happy to have been invited to play with the Lae team and we have a really solid squad.  I like our chances to take the title.  Here are a few pictures from our first game and win over Nauru.

Pacific Nations Forum

Each year the nations of the Pacific have a regional conference and this year it was held right here in Majuro.  It was really interesting and educational to be here for that and hear the discussions over climate change from a group of countries that this issue most dearly affects.  Scientists estimate that virtually the entire country of The Marshall Islands will be under water in less than 100 years unless something is reversed in the carbon emissions of the world.  The Forum’s theme for this year was, “Marshalling a response climate change.”  I thought that was rather clever.

Majuro, if nothing else, is definitely a place where Janae, Neyla and I have had some once in a lifetime experiences.  We’re looking forward to more!

How I think 9-11 anniversary should be remembered...

            Twelve years ago I was waking as a college Junior to take my first test of the year in a Religious Studies class that I loved.  Soon enough the test was out of my mind and the tragedy that ensued in Manhattan and Washington were on the forefront of my mind.  I remember feeling horror, fear, sadness and shock.  I had never felt so helpless, hopeless and angry.  As the day went on and the days followed September 11, 2001 I also remember never feeling so connected to humanity and never seeing such unity in the America and the world.  The world rallied to our side, they supported America in a way that we hadn’t seen in so long.  One million Iranians came out for a candlelight vigil in Tehran and prayed for and supported America and the thousands of victims from the horrific events of the day.  The labels of Republican and Democrat were replaced by American.  It was an amazing thing to see the unity that came from the horror. 

            Twelve years later this unity is gone.  The United States invaded Iraq, started rendition, began water boarding, holding prisoners at Guantanamo and lost any moral high ground we may have once had.  Worldwide polls now show people believe that the greatest threat to world peace is America.  The hatred that Republicans have for liberalism and the disrespect that Democrats have for conservatives have replaced American as their number one allegiance.  The toxic nature of politics in America is truly frightening.  In a short time we have gotten a collective case of amnesia and seemingly have not learned anything from the horror of 9-11-01.

            How then are we to remember this day?  I think we should do so soberly and with seriousness.  If we recall, in their last moments what did so many of the victims on 9-11 do?  They called their loved ones and said, “I love you.  Thank you.”  They reminded their loved ones that they loved them and said thank you for being a great husband, son, brother, friend, etc… 

            I think that is the best way we can remember today.  Not by flying a flag or rallying nationalistic support, but going to those whom we love and reminding them how thankful we are for them and how much we appreciate their love. 

            It seems to me this may be how the victims of that day would like today to be remembered.  My encouragement is to simply do just that.  Go to those whom you love the most and take some time to remind them how much they mean to you.  All too often we don’t do this because our pride gets in the way, but we can’t do life without those closest to us.  Life is a team sport; rugged individualism will get us nowhere.  We should take today to remember those we love and explicitly remind them of how much we love them and need them.  

Majestic Majuro Mornings

Each morning I wake up around 6:00 am just as the sun is beginning to poke its head over the vast Pacific.  The black of the sky slowly turns to a dark purple, then dark blue and finally the oranges and yellows peak out from behind the beautiful atoll of Arno, Majuro's sister to the east.  Each majestic morning I know that whenever we leave Majuro I will miss my morning routine of watching the sun rise, drinking my iced coffee and pensively thinking about the world.  Some mornings when Neyla rises early, I get to share this experience with her.  We sit on our stoop, her with her milk and me with my coffee, we cuddle close, watch the sun rise, stand on the shore and pray.  

This morning was exceptionally amazing.  The wind was blowing a bit more than normal for this time of year and our friends Alvin and Ross were preparing to go diving beyond the breakers.  As they entered the water, we saw dozens of spinner dolphins swimming beyond the reef.  As our friends made it beyond the breakers we saw the few dozen dolphins jumping in unison and swimming down the coast of Majuro.  We had seen dolphins before, but never all jumping together in a sort of military formation.  All at once the 30 or so dolphins would jump entirely out of the water and race their way north toward the Rita end (northeast) of Majuro.  Janae and I were left flabbergasted. This was not something we saw much of in Chicago or Colorado.  

The best times of day in Majuro are the sunrises and sunsets.  The heat is not oppressive yet and the beauty is unsurpassed.  Most mornings I am so amazed by the sunrise that I often take pictures in hopes of others far away having some sense of the beauty that exists, but the pictures in no way can capture the true beauty.  You can't see the dolphins, you can feel the sun's warmth and you can't feel your soul being illuminated through the picture.  To truly understand the spectacular nature of the mornings of Majuro you need to experience it.

Below are some Sunrise pictures from Majuro:

The Best Part of Being a Father...

Often times I still find it hard to believe that I am a dad.  Neyla has been with us now for almost 16 months now, and despite the fact that she monopolizes so much of Janae's and my time, the concept that I am her father astounds me.  There's no doubt that there are times that Neyla absolutely drives Janae and I up a wall and frustrates us to no end, but I have never felt the way I do about a tiny person (or a large one for that matter).  Each time she runs to me with her arms wide-open a new "greatest moment of my life" occurs.  To read her a book or feed her or to see her and Janae interact fills my heart full of love and admiration. 

            Janae is a fantastically amazing mother.  I could not have imagined just how maternal and loving she would be with Neyla, but when Ney was born it was like something just kicked in inside of Janae.  When I first met Janae (maybe some of you remember this Janae), she thought that the two dumbest things that you could ever do were to get married and have kids.  She said it made no sense and that people only did those things for self-centered reasons.  She was convinced she would do neither.  I told her that I thought both were admirable and that I hoped someday I would do both.  Luckily for me, somewhere along the path of life she changed her mind. 

            On one of our first dates, after years of not seeing each other, Janae had told me she had changed.  She said that she thinks that she wants kids now and would like to be married.  She thought that if she didn't have kids she would be missing out on a part of life that she was meant to take part in.  The only problem was that she wasn't sure she would ever find a man that she'd like to share this experience with.  Within 6 weeks she had identified that man and it was I, thankfully.  ;-)

            When we found out that Janae was pregnant we were so happy, but we didn't know why.  We were not planning on having a baby we just left it up to fate.  Shortly thereafter we found out it would be a girl and I was secretly panicking while Janae was celebrating.  I didn't know the first thing about being a father, let alone to a girl.  I knew that most boys were pure evil and that one day one would ask out my daughter and this future moment panicked me.  I wanted to time travel, find this boy and teach him a lesson nice and early, either that or early register Neyla in a nunnery. 

            These worries no longer exist within my silly head.  Mostly because Janae is so amazing with her and I know for whatever silliness Neyla gets from me, it will be balanced and nullified by her mother's beauty, grace and love.  Even when Janae was a young tough feminista I knew that she was one of the most unique and beautiful people I had ever met.  My favorite thing about Neyla is that she is half Janae.  That is the best thing about having a child, that they are half you and half the person you love the most in the world.    

The Majuro Diet

The Majuro Diet

When I came home last summer, one of the first comments I got from friends and family was, "wow, you lost a lot of weight!" I lost almost 20 pounds in about 5 months here in the Marshall Islands. I call it the Majuro Diet, and my brother said I should write a book about it. I'm sure it'd sell a million copies but it's pretty specific to here. In fact, you'd probably have to move out here to follow it so you'd really restrict the number of followers. Let me tell you how it goes.

1.    No fast food. There is no such thing as fast food here. First step is to remove yourself completely from McDonalds, Burger King, Taco Bell, White Castle, Dairy Queen, Starbucks etc. Preferably over 1,000 miles away so as to completely remove temptation. Mmmmm Taco Bell.

2.    Drink water. I'd say I drink water here 99% of the time. When I'm not drinking water, I have iced tea, coconut water, and occasionally a beer ($3.50/ea at the grocery store) or diet coke ($1/ea at the grocery store) thrown in there when I'm feeling rich. I get no extra calories from imbibing on this island. In Majuro it's hard to get any fancy (and calorie crazy) cocktails or those 500 calorie lattes. The locals drink a lot of sugar laden soda but I've been opting out.

3.    Live in unbearable heat. You know on a really hot summer day when it's like 2pm and you think "boy I haven't eaten lunch yet!" because your appetite is so shrunk from the heat? Well here, that's everyday. Also, any exercise I do here is "hot." There's hot yoga, hot running, hot weight lifting, hot pushups, hot walking to the grocery store, hot typing, etc.

4.    Eat local (eat fish). The local food here is really healthy when prepared right. Coconut meat is high in fiber as is breadfruit and taro. Pandanus are like a really grainy and stringy squash but sadly aren't my favorite. Ney and I eat bananas like they are going out of style. I don't cook much but I'm trying to really hone my smoothie skills. I just made an orange/pear/banana one and up next is coconut/strawberry/banana. Fish are everywhere. You can even buy fish at the gas station. Our neighbors are always catching them and sharing it with us. I try to order it when we go to a restaurant - especially sashimi. Fresh caught tuna is unreal good! And of course fish is extremely healthy with a side of brown rice. In addition to being healthy, local food is also way cheaper than anything imported.

5.    Don't overeat. Don't get me wrong, food here can be really good, but the restaurants are seriously lacking. When food is a lot of times just OK, you don't end up stuffing your face like I do when I'm in the States (sidenote: I gained 7 pounds in 2 months while back in the States this summer! I have no self control!). Have you ever tried to stuff your face with sushi or sashimi? It just doesn't work the same as it does with a burger and fries. Mmmmm burger and fries.

That's the funny part about here. I'm not trying to lose weight. It's just the lifestyle. So if you're ready for some isolation and island weather, you too can follow the Majuro diet.

Still trying to figure out Majuro, but I love it...

            Majuro is a place unlike I have ever been.  It’s hard to make heads or tails of it.  When I first got the job here at Majuro Cooperative School I had never heard of Majuro.  I had heard of the Marshall Islands only in the context of WW2 and Nuclear Weapon testing, but I knew nothing of the culture, people or history.  That was certainly part of the draw for us, to go to a place that we knew little about and that we probably would never visit if we don’t take advantage of the opportunity to live there.  It is amazing to me that there is this entire nation of people in the middle of the Pacific inhabiting 24 tiny atolls with a total population of less than Wheaton, IL, the town I grew up in.  Despite this, I have found that living in Majuro confronts one with an amazing juxtaposition of amazing beauty and relentless sadness.  Whether it is the people, the nature or the culture it is hard as an American not to be simultaneously amazed and horrified by all three. 

            The people of the Marshall Islands are difficult to describe.  Even though it is such a small community there is a large chasm in the society, an amazing division between the haves and the have-nots.  There are those on island who have much wealth and then there is the massive amount of poverty.  The unemployment rate here is over 50% and those who are employed make a futile few dollars an hour, while prices for everyday goods and food are almost double what they are in America.  There are so many children around in Majuro.  Almost 60% of the population is under 18 years of age and the Marshalls has one of the highest birth rates in the world that is just over 7 children per woman.  Everywhere you look there are children playing, running and enjoying life, but rarely do you ever see an adult with them or monitoring them.  It is not unusual to see children as soon as they can walk spending most of the day away from their parents with a sister or brother out about town.  Many of them are lucky to get one meal per day and although they are required to go to school, few of them actually do.  When discussing the people of Majuro, the majority are these seemingly parent-less and education-less children.  Many of them are very kind and clearly not in great health, but one has to wonder about what this majority will mean to a country that according to one educated reform minded Marshallese man, “…is going through a time of soul-searching.”  The beauty of the Marshallese people is the joy that you see in the children playing and the embracing of the natural surroundings, but the horror comes in seeing just how high the poverty rate is and how many children go without and the tragic reality that those who can change this do not seem to have any solutions to alleviate this.  I have repeatedly asked what charities are available here for those children and always get blank stares. 

            On our flight into Majuro back in December of 2012 as we were landing I was in awe of this tiny coral atolls with the water in all the breath-taking hues of green, blue and purple.  The flight attendant leaned over us and said, “This view never gets old.”  She had been serving this flight for 15 years and said there is nothing as beautiful as landing over Majuro, and she’s right.  Its natural beauty is unsurpassed.  When you see the sun rising over the ocean or setting over the lagoon or a low full moon illuminating the ocean waves you can’t help but wonder how more people don’t come to see this hidden treasure of beauty. 

            A few days after we arrived in Majuro, we had the pleasure of going to one of the small islands on the north end of the atoll to relax on the natural beach for the day.  Up to this point, I had never snorkeled in my life, but when I did I was like a child on Christmas morning.  I simply couldn’t believe the fish that were every color of the rainbow swimming amongst the corals and how I could swim right into a school of thousands of fish and they would move right out of the way for me as if they were escorting me to the next area of ocean to discover.  The combination of warm sun, temperate ocean and unrelenting underwater beauty made me realize that there was an entire world that I had been missing in my first 32 years of life that I desperately wanted to explore more. 

            Despite this amazing beauty from the air and under the water the simple fact is that there is no place you can go in Majuro without being surrounded by garbage.  It’s everywhere.  Floating in the ocean, on the beach, in the road, on school campus and even at the bottom of the ocean.  This tiny atoll was not made to house all of the trash and waste that a modern economy generates.  With the combination of the problem of over-crowding and trying to put a population of roughly 20,000 on an atoll with less that 15 square miles of land, there simply is no room for an adequate dump.  I really can’t imagine a solution to this since the island’s antiquated system of trash collection rarely allows for any recycling and most trash is disposed by littering.  It is a tragedy that this beautiful atoll cannot remain as pristine as it should. 

            As an American coming to Majuro you have three choices when adjusting to the culture either: find an amazing amount of patience, live in total and complete frustration or you can leave.  We have chosen the road of patience and this has both made us better people and has helped us find a love for Majuro and the Marshallese people.  By enlarge the Marshallese culture has a very casual relationship with time.  It is a cultural expectation that everyone will be late, so you might as well show up late too.  This can make it difficult running and teaching at a school that is supposed to be based on a western model and curriculum, but we make it work.  The culture is also very hierarchical and similar to a caste society.  It is rare to find people from the “upper castes” befriend and socialize with those who are merely “commoners.”  This is a new phenomenon in Marshallese society as this sort of system was founded in a pre-modern hunter and gatherer society where everyone was valued and needed.  Now that a cash economy has replaced the traditional society there is a reluctance to replace the old societal norms with more modern ones as those at the top now have way too much to lose (money that is).  It has very quickly become an oligarchic society where the few rich and powerful make decisions for the entire country.  While the Marshallese may live in the moment better than any people I’ve ever witnessed, this has bred a sort of fatalism in the future of the country.  Too many people think that there is nothing they can do about many of the problems that everyone sees; so many choose to do nothing.  Too many people think that global warming will destroy their country in their life times, so what does it matter if I litter or pollute.  The sort of “live in the moment” attitude that is laudable in Marshallese society has combined, strangely, with a sort of fatalism or ignorance, I’m not sure which one, for the future of the Marshall Islands.  I have come across only a rare few that really work toward and hope for a truly better future for ALL Marshallese. 

            All of this being said, I love our life here Majuro.  I love my students and I love the school at which I teach.  We have made friendships that will last a lifetime and whenever we do leave it will be with heavy hearts that we depart this tiny atoll.  Beyond anything I hope that my analysis of life in Majuro doesn’t offend anyone and that if it does you can blame it simply on the tiny 8-month experience of an ignorant ri-belle.  ;-)