In defense of being
"just a mom"
by Janae Rusin
I
am officially banning the use of this phrase from my presence: just a mom. For
those that knew me pretty much anytime before Neyla, you probably knew one of
my worst fears was being just a mom. But now, I am taking care of Neyla as my
full time job. What happened to me?
I'm
still getting used to my new occupation. When I met someone the other day, and
they asked me what I did, I immediately replied, "Nothing." I felt
like Hugh Grant in About a Boy. But
in my case, that actually is not the right answer. I hang out with Neyla all
day, and I make sure my little toddler doesn't kill herself. There's more to
it, but that part is my biggest job, I would say.
I
hate the lingo we use to describe full-time moms. We need to get a better PR
team because they are all crap. Stay at
home mom: what, I just sit at home all day? No that is not right. Full time mom: So if you work at a job
with a paycheck, you are only a mom part time? That's not right either. People
describe moms with a paycheck as work
outside the home moms. Again, I work outside the home all the time. We also
use working mom. I work, I promise
you that!
Recently
our neighbor had a couch surfer come through and stay on our compound. He was
in his mid-20s and was stopping through Majuro on his traveling world tour.
When he was sitting next to me, my neighbor and fellow "no paycheck
mom" (copyright Janae Rusin, 2013), he said, "It must be so amazing
to just sit here, chill out all day, and do nothing!" I think that was the
closest I've come to inciting physical violence in my life. For many, that is
the perception. And please note, I include the younger, less wise version of
myself.
If
you have never had to make the agonizing decision of staying at home with your
children or getting a job, then you are not allowed to comment on being
"just a mom." The funny part is, mostly women use this phrase on
other women. C'mon ladies: aren't we truly liberated when we can make this
decision for ourselves and for our family without criticizing one another? And
it doesn't matter how smart you are. Really smart moms and educated moms are
allowed to stay at home with their kids and should not feel like they are
wasting their intelligence. This is why the phrase "just a mom" is so
offensive to me. When people say it, they are implying that you are not
fulfilling some duty to... God knows what...work at a corporation? We don't
look down on teachers for teaching our children, why should we look down on
moms for doing the same thing?
It's
not hard to see why being a full time mom is looked down upon. The pay sucks.
The benefits are nonexistent. There's no such thing as a sick day and no days
off. You pretty much deal with pee and poop for a good chunk of your day. It's
not glamourous. Our capitalistic culture values money and prestige. None of
which exists raising a kid. That's why I contend you cannot comment on this
lifestyle choice until you've had kids.
Hold
your newborn in your arms the first day of their life, and then tell me it's
easy to go back to work. Many women or men do not have the luxury of having a
choice whether to go back to work or not. Many have to go to work for a
paycheck to put food on the table. I know now what my younger self never
realized: that I have the privilege of raising Neyla full time. I get more
fulfillment and find more meaning out of one day of being "just a
mom" than I ever did at my corporate job.
I
don't wish to make it sound like it's been any easy decision for me to stay
with Neyla full time. It's been incredibly challenging and one I question
almost on a daily basis. There's a good chance when I go back to the States I
will get a paycheck job, mostly because I miss intellectual stimulation that
Dora just can't give me. But if that happens, I will not regret one day of my
time being a stay at home mom. And I will never again use the phrase to
describe a no paycheck mom as "just a mom."
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